Awkward: Team Matty or Team Jake? A Logical Interpretation

By Diane Gutman
(via The Daily Hey Now!)

Awkward’s back and on the air and I am rejoicing like a tween at a One Direction concert. With a new season upon us our klutzy, heroine Jenna has a lot of decisions to make. After the first episode back, Resolutions it seems pretty clear Jenna has made her choice on who her main squeeze is going to be, but it’s definitely a lot more complicated than that. With Matty on the prowl to win back Jenna’s heart and Jake vying to officially become her boyfriend via social networking things are getting hairy for our girl. I decided that I’ll make my own decision on who Jenna really belongs with by doing the only logical thing anyone would do (…on television) and make a pro’s and con’s list of what both boys have to offer after which we can make a sound, healthy, decision on just who is the best choice for our girl Jenna Hamilton.

Team Matty AKA Team “GIRL, LOOK AT DAT BODY!”:

Pros:

• The Abs.
• He was Jenna’s first
• The Abs
• He was her hero!
• The Abs
• He liked her when she didn’t
• The Abs
• He told Jake he was hung up on that girl from camp.
• Abs.
• Easy on the eyes.
• Abs.
• Mysterious!
• Six Pack

Cons: 

• He acts like a little kid
• Wears shirts
• Hid her from the world
• Only wanted a relationship after he found out he had competition
• Needs to never wear a shirt
• Doesn’t care that his best friend is dating her and still wants to seduce her.
• Shirts.
• Doesn’t know what he wants
• Kisses other girls
• SHIRT.

Team Jake AKA Team “Aww! He’s So Cute!”:

Pros:  

• 
  Cute
• Smart
• He’s the popular kid and he was never ashamed of hanging out with Jenna.
• Those eyes!
• They have fun together
• He knows what he wants
• Popular but not douchey about it.
• Cares about the little things
• No seriously he has really nice eyes.
• Dances like a weirdo and isn’t afraid to show it!
• Her friends like him!
• He’s so damn nice.
• His eyes can make any girl melty.

Cons: 

• He was into Jenna when he was with Lissa.
• He kissed Jenna when he was with Lissa.
• Seems like his jealousy might get the best of him when he finds out about Matty.
• A little oblivious sometimes.
• There’s only so much being cute, sweet and loyal can get you before you come out sounding like puppy.
• Doesn’t have as many con’s to list so I feel like I have done a terrible job.

So there you have it guys! The only scientific way to ever make a decision on who you’ll be rooting for this season on Awkward. A pros and cons list can only do so much, just ask Ross Gellar. So are you rooting for this season Matty or Jake? The Abs or The Eyes? Personally I’d take them both and wrap them up into one very exotic package.

Awkward Airs Thursdays at 10:30/9:30c. on MTV. For a Full Review of the first episode check out my review on FilmTrasher!

Brave Review: A Princess For The Tough Girls

by Diane Gutman
(via The Daily Hey Now!)

When Disney Pixar first announced the plot for it’s new feature Brave it drew a lot of attention from media and fans alike. You see, there’s a general rule of thumb when you hear the words Disney and Princess used in the same sentence, you just know that somewhere in that sentence the word “prince” also appears, but this film breaks that rule. Brave is the story of young, tough, Scottish princess by the name of Merida who defies her mother, breaks all of the rules, and embarks on a journey that forces her to face her own reality.

**MILD PLOT SPOILERS AFTER THE CUT. **

Disney does something with Brave that they’ve never done before. They tell the story about a Princess who learns the true meaning love, but there’s a catch: There is no love interest involved, no glass slippers, no true loves kiss, nothing like that at all. Instead Brave uses another dynamic to tell the story of love; the love between a mother and her daughter. Merida is very enigmatic, she sets a great example for young women, that you should do your own thing and be independent but at the same time, she sets the standard that girls shouldn’t have to live their lives trying to please their love interests but to do what makes them feel right. So what makes Merida feel right? Riding horses, archery, having fun with her little brothers, everything a young princess should not be doing, according to her mother.

Upset by her mother trying to marry her off Merida runs off in a hurry and gets herself into big trouble. This where the story gets interesting, she tries to change her fate by changing her mother, which happens to her quite literally. She spends the rest of the movie trying to figure out a way to break the spell put on her mother but along the way the two of them have the most fun they’ve had since she was a little girl. In typical Disney fashion Merida begins to learn the error of her ways and becomes a better person for it, all the mean while strengthening her relationship with her mother.

Brave is a smart story that all young women should see no matter what. It takes the conventions of the average fairy tale and throws them out the window and starts from scratch. The usual aspects of the Disney Pixar trademark are obviously prevalent, the beautiful art, the wonderful cinematography and stellar soundtrack, but it’s not what makes Brave stand out; It’s Merida herself. Merida is fiercely independent, brave and charming, a princess that the tough girl on the play ground can finally identify with.

10/10

TOP TEN REASONS WHY DIANE IS BETTER AT WATCHING TV THAN YOU. DEAL WITH IT. GET OVER IT.

By John Elijah Cohen

1. Since the dawn of time…yeah…Diane watched TV even before that.

2. Story plot. Story structure. Even Shakespeare was memorized by her phenomenal understanding of Korean soaps.

3. No matter what obscure TV show you think you’ve seen…She’s seen it and has done marathons around you.

4. Her love of the X-Files will beat you up, punk!

5. Even after the apocalypse, she’ll still one up you on shows you’ve never seen, that’s because there will be no more TV and she’s just that good.

6. Diane once escaped an alien abduction by revealing the ending of LOST to a couple of ‘Grey’s.’

7. Diane single handedly collected all the Pokemon before the series was even created.

8. One time, a group of “Friends” trivia experts tried to jump Diane in an ally. She reminded them of Joey and took their money.

9. Her blood type is actually the random dot pattern of static displayed when no transmission signal is obtained by the antenna receiver of a television set.

10. Diane is better at watching TV than you because she just is. Don’t question it.

YOU’VE BEEN WARNED.

Coming up next, “Top Ten Reasons Why Kristina DeFonte Is Considered an ‘Extrovert’ in Uzbekistan.”