Category Archives: Postage
TOP TEN REASONS WHY WE LOVE LAUREN. CHECK THIS OUT!
(Random Google Image Search: “Uncle Buck Movie Quotes”)
1. In the 1980’s we would have loved her because of her ‘funky-ness’ but due to government regulation, anything funky has been banned and now reduced to ‘awesome.’ We think she is awesome, all that, and more than what they put in a bag of chips these days. Long story short, we love her because she’s ‘super-fly.’
2. Her investment with bacon.
3. Her involvement with unicorn adoptions around the world. What Sarah McLaughin does for dogs, McCarthy does for mythical ponies.
4. Her opinion on “Greek yogurt.”
5. Her dedicated efforts, patience, and understanding of Post Modern Zombie Existentialism, or what is now known as 1980’s “New Wave.”
6. Her fashionista advice on how to mix and match jeans with that super dope Madras shirt.
7. How to mix and match Corvairs with that super dope Madras shirt.
8. How to remove blood stains from your Madras shirt after a rumble with the Greasers.
9. Her disdain for people confusing “Samoas” for “Samoans.”
10. For being herself and persevering through 11 seasons of “Married with…Children.”
Coming up soon, “Top Ten Reasons Why Lauren & Hurricane Andrew Would Make Horrible Friends.”
TOP TEN REASONS WHY DIANE IS BETTER AT WATCHING TV THAN YOU. DEAL WITH IT. GET OVER IT.
By John Elijah Cohen
1. Since the dawn of time…yeah…Diane watched TV even before that.
2. Story plot. Story structure. Even Shakespeare was memorized by her phenomenal understanding of Korean soaps.
3. No matter what obscure TV show you think you’ve seen…She’s seen it and has done marathons around you.
4. Her love of the X-Files will beat you up, punk!
5. Even after the apocalypse, she’ll still one up you on shows you’ve never seen, that’s because there will be no more TV and she’s just that good.
6. Diane once escaped an alien abduction by revealing the ending of LOST to a couple of ‘Grey’s.’
7. Diane single handedly collected all the Pokemon before the series was even created.
8. One time, a group of “Friends” trivia experts tried to jump Diane in an ally. She reminded them of Joey and took their money.
9. Her blood type is actually the random dot pattern of static displayed when no transmission signal is obtained by the antenna receiver of a television set.
10. Diane is better at watching TV than you because she just is. Don’t question it.
YOU’VE BEEN WARNED.
Coming up next, “Top Ten Reasons Why Kristina DeFonte Is Considered an ‘Extrovert’ in Uzbekistan.”
TOP FIVE INSPIRATIONAL THINGS LAUREN ‘MIGHT’ HAVE SAID TO YOU WHILE YOU WERE BUSY YAKKING ON YOUR CELL PHONE.
I technically have no proof of Lauren saying these nice things but a few ‘eye witnesses’ have come forward. Time travel might be involved too.
1. “Take risks. Ask the “dumb” questions. Fail if you have to, and then get up and do it again.” – Lauren to a guy on the subway.
Eye Witness Account: “This ‘business guy’ was just talking on his phone, all of a sudden, Lauren turns to him and tells him THIS! Of course, he just ignores her and yammers on about stock market crap. It was beautiful. I wish she would have told it to me, I would have put down my Hunger Games book just to hear someone say that to me!” – “Debbie”
2. “Focus more on listening and learning — the rest will come.” – Lauren to a mom yelling at her daughter.
Eye Witness Account: “You could tell this crazy woman was on her phone, yelling at her daughter. Then, in the blink of an eye, Lauren shows up and tells this woman this sweet piece of advice. The loud mother of course ignored it. Lauren didn’t mind, she just ate a bacon strip and smiled,” – “Jarome”
3. “Inspiring hope in a cynical world might be the most radical thing you can possibly do. Hope may not feed us, but it is hope that sustains us.” – Lauren to a crying man.
Eye Witness Account: “It was late, I was with a few friends at a near by Waffle House. Sitting at my booth, ignoring my friends yammering, turned my head and noticed this nice looking guy crying, talking on his phone. I think he was upset with his moms, or something. Any who, Lauren shows up all of a sudden, pats him on the back, gives him some bacon strips. She pours her heart out to him. Nothing. The guy ignores her and she walks away. She was wearing this outfit by BCBG. Totes cute!” – “Sammie”
4. “Before you finished getting out of bed, brushing your teeth with clean tap water, putting on clothes, making breakfast, turning off the light, walking out the door, you are benefiting from the work of hundreds, if not thousands, of individuals from all around the world. They all deserve your spirit of generosity. So walk with humility and reverence for the human endeavor, and know it’s your job to help take that endeavor forward.” – Lauren to a woman dancing.
Eye Witness Account: “Lauren shows up at this party, right? She’s look hella phat in this BCBG dress. I spill juice on my Madras shirt. She helps me clean it up. So nice! She was even kind to recommend jeans for me to match my shirt! Any way, there is this woman, listening to her iPod, dancing by herself in the middle of the room, and everyone is looking at her weird. Lauren walks up to her, gives her this endearing advice and then disappears. The woman dancing ignored her. What a jerk!” – “Cohen”
5. “So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key.” – Lauren to a young Glenn Fray.
Eye Witness Account: “So my manager is getting us together. This happened right as “The Eagles” were getting together. I was at a Dunkin’ Donuts in Chicago, scribbling lyrics on a scrappy notepad. Had a moment of writers block, when suddenly she walked in. Her name was Lauren. She spoke these enchanted words, man! I listened. I wish I could see her today and thank her! – An older Glenn Fray
McCarthy Philosophy #1: Existentialsm & What Not
McCarthy Philosophy #1: Existentialsm & What Not
Existentialism is generally considered to be the philosophical and cultural movement which holds that the starting point of philosophical thinking must be the individual and the experiences of the individual, that moral thinking and scientific thinking together do not suffice to understand human existence, and, therefore, that a further set of categories, governed by the norm of authenticity, is necessary to understand human existence.
Existentialism + Lauren McCarthy = The constant movement in which one holds bacon strips in the palm of their hand, trying hard to never let it go ( governed by the norm of authenticity). You may question the existence of this action, but damn it, you know those strips look so fuckin’ good. You eat them. Yum yums in your belly. You feel satisfied. You think about this state of happiness, plop open your laptop, and return to Netflix.
HOW TO SAY HELLO TO LAUREN IN ANOTHER LANGUAGE!
If you want to say “hello” to Lauren in every language on the planet, you would have to learn at least 2,796 languages.
Acknowledge that the mostly-universal, non-verbal way to greet Lauren is a simple handshake and to cook bacon for her!
How to say “Hello, Lauren” in a few languages:
- Amharic — “”Selam, Lauren!”
- Albanian — ”Tungjatjeta, Lauren!”
- A’Leamona — ”bees-e-lees-e, Lauren!”
- Arabic — صباحالخي”ر, Lauren!”
- Armenian — “barev, Lauren!”
- Austrian — ”Grüßgott, Lauren!”
- Azerbaijani — “salam, Lauren!”
- Bahamian English — ”Hello, Lauren!”
- Basque — ”kaixo, Lauren!”
- Belarusian — ”pryvitańnie, Lauren!”
- Cambodian (Khmer) — S”ua s’dei, Lauren!”
- Chichewa — “moni mayi, Lauren!”
- Chinese — “你好, Lauren!”
- Danish — ”hej, Lauren!”
- French — ”allo,bonjour, Lauren!”
- Georgian — ”gamardjoba, Lauren!”
- Greek — ”Γεια σου, Lauren!”
- Lithuanian — ”laba diena, Lauren!”
- Luxembourgish — ”moïen, Lauren!”
- Zulu — ”sawubona, Lauren!”
Hello world!
Welcome to Hey Lauren! Check this Out!
This is our first post.
What are we about? We are about sharing the internet with you. We like you.
More importantly… We are about sharing the internet with Lauren McCarthy!
More more importantly… We are friends of Lauren who share our love for her.
We also talk about pop culture, bacon related foods, unicorns, and SO MUCH MORE!!!
Enjoy! 🙂
Hey Lauren! 